A tornado of change has whipped through my life, and realistically I suppose I’ve invited it in. I’m reluctant to discuss the changes because I don’t want to have to admit them as reality yet. I want to remain in this little bubble of quiet contemplation that I’m in, that numb space of shock that protects you from the pain for a little while. Today I’d like to stay here forever, suspended, my life frozen in time, free of worries, headaches, heartaches and decisions. But I know that I can’t stay here long. Life moves. I need to move with it…just not quite yet.
In the past six months I’ve embarked on a journey to find myself, you could say. I’ve looked inside, dug out some inner demons, burnt them up with the light of acknowledgement. I’ve learned how to deal with the scars left from these inner demons and don’t need to look at the scars…most days. But it’s been a tough and ugly time. I haven’t been at my best. In fact I’ve often been at something close to my worst, and it’s proven too much for the life that I built myself. That life has broken now, changed and I need to start something new that fits with the new person I am becoming, I suppose. I feel a deep and great amount of sorrow, and I cry every day but at least I don’t cry all day, so that’s something.
The people around me who love me are worried, scared for me. I know you are. I love you and thank you for engulfing me with your loving concern, but I guess what you don’t see is the deep knowing inside of me that I have. That I’ve had for much of my life, that knowing that I’ve learned from the years of heartache and agony I’ve experienced, that everyone experiences. I will be okay. Okay? You don’t need to worry about me, or lay awake at night planning ways in which I can save my life and move forward and move on and make money and contribute to society. I know exactly where I am right now and I know what I need to do and I know I have a little bit of time to spare. In fact, I need quiet time to reflect on the huge inner changes that I’ve experienced and I need time to let those changes sink in and resonate within me and through me and out into my world. Now IS NOT the time for whirlwind action. Now is the eye of the storm, the time for contemplation and reflection, for dreaming and planning in preparation for my next growth stage, which will come in due time. Now is the time for me to gather my inner strength, to review my resources and take stock of what I have and what I no longer have.
For those of you that are scared for me and want to push me into action: I will grow, move forward, succeed greatly…at my own pace. And I adhere to that pace with stubborn will, but mostly with a deep and abiding trust in myself and my inner knowledge. I trust myself and I listen to that inner voice of my heart which helps direct me to where I need to be. It was hard to listen to my heart, and much harder to take action based on what I heard from my heart, but I did, and here I am–standing on this side of the doorway looking out over the next section in the journey that is my life. The view is beautiful, breathtaking. Green and gold glittering scenery, trees and hills and valleys and the road…but it’s not quite time yet to step through the doorway. For now it’s okay for me to stand in the doorway and look out over my future, plan my path or even simply just enjoy the view of what lies ahead, appreciating the adventures that I know will come my way. I’m in the doorway, the sun is setting, and this season of my life is almost done. But I choose to enjoy this last shred of it before I move onto the way forward. So for those of you that hurt for me, fear for me, cry for me…take heart. I know what I’m doing. It looks hard and painful, and yep, it is. But I know I am strong enough to handle my life or I would not have made the choices I’ve made.
I hope you are strong enough to trust me. Take heart. Feel comforted. I’m doing just fine.