Today feels like growing pains. So much changes for me day to day. And just as I wrote that, I remembered how not even 6 months ago I was begging for change to tear me out of the deep period of stagnation I felt frozen in for months, if not a year. Sigh. I guess perspective is everything.
But I am thankful for the changes. I am ready. They are coming fast, and I feel they are huge, large-order changes. One day I have a shit job and don’t own a house, just slowly moving towards freedom from debt. The next day I’m a homeowner again and my undependable income from the shit job isn’t going to cut it anymore. A few days later I have a better job lined up, but one with it’s own aches and pains. I feel that life these days is a series of stepping stones…or perhaps a better metaphor is ice chunks in a floe. I’m walking across the floe and as I stand on it, each piece of ice is sinking, forcing me to keep moving.
I’ve been researching a job that I looked at and decided was one I should apply to. It is the type of job that I feel I should have, one that fits within my field of study, that would pay pretty well (very well? I don’t know…the guy I talked to never actually answered that question) but a job that seems a little beyond my skill level.
I feel like I’m sort of on precarious ground here. I want to move into this level of existence, a solid government job that is stable, that looks good, a job where I can look at myself with outside judgy eyes and be impressed. This is a job for keeping up with the Joneses.
But it seems like my lack of confidence is the perfect self saboteur. This is the stage of growing pains. I have my sights set on where I want to be and I’m trying my best to get there, but I’m not quite good enough to reach that level yet. Same as the EMR thing. I failed my first two attempts at my license, and the second examiner said “maybe it’s just not the right time yet.” He told me not to lose hope or give up, but maybe I should just step back and take some time before my final attempt. I was angry to hear it, but hell, he’s right. No matter how much I want something and no matter how much I skin my knuckles trying to get it, I guess sometimes it’s just not the right moment. These are the growing pains, the stages between levels of growth where everything hurts. Going back is depressing and not really an option, going forward is terrifying and requires an exhaustive amount of strength; which means I yo-yo back and forth between the two states.
Over the years I’ve attempted to do one…just one…chin up. I look at the bar, I grab onto it, I hop up, I struggle, I wish, I hope, I pant, I moan, I clench my fists as hard as I can but I’ve never been able to hold myself up to that bar. What I have noticed, however, is that when I make a concerted effort and practice even one chin up per day, I do change. Of course, at this point that means that I simply fall a little slower each time, but I know that if I had the energy and perseverance I would one day achieve that goal. I don’t have the energy and perseverance, nor do I have a chin up bar, so that day of achievement is a really long time in the future, but there you go. I know, realistically, that it will happen once I’ve practiced enough, dedicated enough time and energy to it, and once the time is right.
I guess perhaps all I can really do in this in-between stage is simply make each attempt better than the last.